Dear Arundhati Ma’am, You are no longer an inspiration for me.

Reading "Mother Mary Comes to Me" by Arundhati Roy is Undoubtedly the Best Decision of My Life

I would have delayed reading your book if it weren’t for my counselor. Thank you for coming up with "Mother Mary Come to Me". From now onwards, you are no longer an inspiration but a beacon of hope, a torch of light for women like me. 

I lived with a narcissistic mother for the past twenty-five years. I was never aware of it, but something was wrong since my childhood. I never understood what it was, but it still is. A single mother raising her own child since the age of sixteen was never a joke. A mother unaware of her responsibilities was unimaginable to me, too. From bringing me toys and pampering me with Barbie and dresses to seeing my mother abuse me every day, it was never a joke. The exact reason may remain unknown to me, but moving out of my family was the best decision of my life. 

I was fortunate in many aspects, with no stability. Hating my job but loving my bills paid. The world is full of sympathy for not having any parents or family. The constant pressure to be better was there. The finance drove me crazy. The men preyed like vultures. I wonder why I failed to write in short sentences. Why, instead of not focusing on my studies and skills, did I focus on money so much? I almost lost myself in agony, wondering if I could ever get over the grief of losing my pets, whom I raised for twelve years of my life. I never went to school or college properly. I rejected many job offers or was forced to do so. I gave up my everything—no friends, no family, nothing. Just for the well-being of my pets and household chores. Seeing them die was the most painful experience of my life, which has affected my health to date. I know you will read between the lines, and you will Arundhati ,Ma’am. 

Having parents without having them will be one of the most painful experiences of my life. From living in a small hut to bicycling daily to losing yourself in just making money to doing odd jobs to faking your marriage to staying at the wrong hotel to having a family to breaking free, everything passed by a single wind. Nothing stopped, nor will it be.

Struggles do prepare us for the best.

Money does make us worried, but once you start to focus on things that you really enjoy doing, there is no turning back. Write for the sake of writing. Stand up for what’s right and never look back. 

What I loved the most was your bravery and courage to be true to yourself and the words throughout the book. Young girls like us need you because we need to stop victimizing ourselves. See ourselves beyond the cage of self-pity and destruction. We need to know that money is essential for survival, but it is not a part of us. What really matters is what we become in the process, not what happened to us. I cannot change my mother, nor can you. We survived hell. The pain will forever be a part of us, but acceptance will be the only water to the fire inside us. Through the lanes and alleys of this world, we searched for our mothers through the words we wrote and the sentences we read aloud, with failure. 

Only our hearts live with memories of our mother, wishing them to be the perfect one. With utmost peace and sadness, we learn about the void that comes with losing one. I won’t be the perfect writer, but I will write for the healing without hating.

Loving without judging.

Moving on without waiting for the closure.

That's what we are worthy of at the end of the day. 

I love my mother, yet I can never have the mother I truly want. It is a hauntingly beautiful feeling—a pain, a happiness, and a closure I deserve now. 

Yours, 

Sankalita Roy.